The Covert Passive- Aggressive Narcissist

Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse

By Debbie Mirza

Foreword by Meredith Miller

Introduction Chapter

“Is your husband a narcissist?”

“No! I would never use that word to describe him. He’s the nicest guy. Everybody loves him. You would love him if you met him.”

“Yes, that’s what they are like.” The divorce attorney saw Amy’s confused face, walked closer to her and said with concern, “I am seeing a lot of classic signs, Amy. I suggest when you get home, you get a hold of as much information as you can about narcissists because you need to know what you’re dealing with.”

Amy left the appointment in a daze. Narcissist? That was the last word she would have used to describe her husband of more than 30 years. She had always seen him as kind, someone she respected. Their relationship wasn’t perfect, but most of the time she would have described it as a good marriage. She felt lucky to be with someone so easygoing. However, his behavior over the past year had been vastly different from the man she thought she knew. So many things didn’t make sense. The way he was treating her was so hurtful, disturbing, and utterly confusing. Then suddenly, he was done with her. The end of the marriage was shocking and incredibly confusing.

When Amy first met her husband, she felt lucky to have met such a great guy. He was kind. He talked about his feelings. He listened to her, asked her questions about herself, and really wanted to know her. Her family and friends loved him and felt so happy she had met someone like him.

It was remarkable how alike they were. It all felt so easy. The first year they dated was pure bliss. Then things became difficult, but that was because of outside circumstances, Amy always believed. They worked through things. Their communication was great, she thought. They had some issues, but always talked about things. She considered him her best friend.

Recently, though, Amy’s husband had been treating her in ways she had never experienced. This man she had seen as kind and loving had become incredibly cruel and aggressive toward her. He was continuously telling her all the things he believed were wrong with her and blaming her for making it impossible for their marriage to work. All of this seemed to come out of nowhere. After 30 years, he moved out and made sure she knew how much happier he was without her. It didn’t seem to bother him at all that this was ending. He wanted out, and according to him, it was all her fault.

Amy decided to take her attorney’s advice, reading books as well as articles on narcissism, hoping this might be the piece that would finally make sense of this confusing puzzle.

When Amy read the descriptions of narcissists, she kept thinking, That doesn’t sound like him. Each book described someone who was flashy, drove expensive cars, liked to show off their fancy homes, people who were aggressive, annoying, and obviously self- centered. She read stories of gaslighting that seemed extreme. At the same time, amidst the grandiose images, there were some things that did sound like her husband.

Amy read the basic traits—lack of empathy, rage, lacking a strong sense of self, controlling, manipulative, selfish. She began to feel like her eyes were opening to things she had not seen previously.

Even though Amy believed her marriage was good, she had spent years doubting herself, believing she was to blame for issues that did arise in the marriage. Now, the way she was being treated felt wrong, even though she still wondered if the things he was saying about her were true. He seemed so confident and sounded so rational. His words to her were cruel, but they were also mixed with loving words that made it even more confusing. When she was in conversations with him, her body felt muddled and even nauseated at times. It was hard for her to think clearly. She felt run over and talked down to by him. The words that came out of him were demeaning. He would “teach” her about life and how she needed to be.

Amy found herself calling close friends and family and asking them questions like:

“Am I controlling and manipulative like he’s saying I am and I just don’t see it? Am I inconsiderate? Maybe I have been selfish? I can’t think clearly. I can’t even see what is true about me anymore.”

Amy needed reminders of who she really was because she felt like she was losing her mind. While she was feeling incredibly emotional and unstable, he was calm and rational, which made her question herself even more.

Amy became a voracious reader about narcissism. She also went to a therapist who was an expert on the subject. The therapist asked odd questions like:

“Did your husband forget things a lot, like when you would ask him to pick up some apples while he was at the store?” “Yes! About 70% of the time. When he would go to a coffee shop I would ask if he could get me some water while he was in there. He would happily say ‘Sure!’ About 7 out of 10 times he would come back to the car with no water and say, ‘Oh! I’m so sorry. I totally forgot.’ He seemed like he felt bad each time. I would always tell him it was okay. I felt frustrated and confused because it happened so often, but I didn’t feel like it was okay for me to be upset because it was an honest mistake. Is this common with narcissists?”

“Yes. Very. Did he ever go back and get you water?” “No. Never. I never thought about that.” “What about your birthdays?” the therapist asked.
“What were those like with him?”

“They were awful. But the thing is I can’t tell you exactly why.” Amy’s face scrunched up in confusion. “He wasn’t mean to me. He always bought me gifts. Sometimes took me out to dinner. For some reason, though, I ended up crying on my birthdays and apologizing to him for something. I don’t even remember why now. Maybe not being appreciative enough? He would buy me things, but many times they were things I didn’t want. Then he would tell me a long story about how he found this gift and all the thought and effort that went into it, and I would feel like I needed to have a big reaction even though it was something I never would have wanted. Then I’d feel bad because I was being shallow and not grateful. Birthdays were always disappointing, and I was glad when they were over. They wore me out for some reason. It never felt like he enjoyed celebrating me, treating me. He always seemed irritated that he had to do things for me. Sometimes he would spend a lot of money and get me something grandiose. It actually stressed me out because of the amount of money he used. I didn’t feel like I could say anything because of all the trouble he had gone to.”

“When he gave you big things or made grandiose gestures, were other people around to see?”

“Well, when I think about it, yes. Always... That’s interesting. I never thought about that. I don’t remember any private moments where he would give me something special that showed how well he knew me and how much he loved me. I didn’t feel loved on my birthdays, looking back.”

With each question, Amy realized she must learn more.

One day, after telling her story to another therapist who had a lot of experience with narcissistic abuse, Amy heard a term she had not seen in her research that changed everything for her. The therapist said, “It sounds like your husband is a Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist. Those are the hardest to recognize.”

Amy felt chills go up her spine. “Please tell me more about that.”

Everything began to make sense for the first time. Hearing “covert passive-aggressive” in front of the word “narcissist” gave her the missing piece she needed for her quest to understand what was happening. It sent her on a journey that would change her life forever, and ultimately bring her the clarity and healing she so desperately needed and deserved.

Amy now leads men and women through different healing modalities for narcissism in the mountains of Peru and feels tremendously fulfilled and happy. Years ago, when she first discovered the truth of her marriage, she never would have imagined she would someday feel so free and happy. She now has a glow about her that inspires others and gives them hope. She knows who she is and has learned to trust herself implicitly.

Amy was one of the women I interviewed as part of my research for this book. Her story reflects what I heard from so many who have experienced a relationship with a covert narcissist.

If you are reading this, I imagine you might relate to part of Amy’s story, maybe even a lot of it. You may be on your own search, trying to make sense of a very confusing person in your life. This book is for you, to give you clarity, strength, and understanding. It will educate you as well as give you hope.

The word “narcissist” is thrown around a lot and grossly misused. “He’s so narcissistic! Oh, yeah, I was with a narcissist too!” People often use this word to describe someone who is selfish and arrogant. The true definition goes much deeper, and when the word is so carelessly used, it diminishes the painful reality of victims of true narcissists. Someone who has experienced a true narcissist would never toss the word around so lightly.

We tend to label people a lot, and that can be destructive, but in this case, the label is important. When victims are looking for answers and they finally discover their partner or parent or coworker might be a covert narcissist, so many things begin to make sense. It is incredibly helpful in understanding and starting to heal.

I was talking about healing and restoration to one survivor I interviewed. Through tears, she looked at me. Her voice shaking, she asked, “Do you think it’s even possible?” It is for this woman and so many others like her that I have written this book. Profound healing and freedom are absolutely possible. I, along with so many others, am proof of this. There is hope. The healing you will experience is profound and will bring you to a strong place inside yourself.

Both genders are affected by this destructive personality disorder. I interviewed women and men who have experienced this abuse. Most people I talked to struggled to describe the relationship. There was a perpetual confused look on each face.

This is common. It can be difficult to explain because the abuse is so hidden and subtle. They weren’t yelled at or physically abused. There are no visible scars. Yet the impact it makes on the psyche is profound. Like the people I interviewed, I have also experienced covert narcissists (several, actually). I know what it’s like to be subtly abused for a long time without recognizing it. I also know what it’s like trying to find information on the covert type. You think you are on the right track after discovering narcissistic personality disorder, but then you read things that are not completely what you experienced. You read about aggressive behavior, physical abuse, dramatic stories of deception, and you think maybe you are off track. Your story doesn’t appear that bad compared to what you are reading, which then diminishes your own pain and adds to your confusion. That’s why I felt it was so important for me to write this book and put everything I had learned into one place.

Many people who go to therapy to get help because they are depressed, low on energy, experiencing low self-esteem, feeling a lot of anxiety, and confused have no idea that the cause of their issue is an abusive relationship, whether that is with a romantic partner, a parent, or someone at work.

Some victims become re-traumatized by a therapist or friend who doesn’t understand. Most therapists are not educated about the covert type of narcissism. Only the overt type is taught in higher education, so most don’t recognize the signs and traits. I talked to one woman who was in a covert relationship and went to therapy for 10 years. She tried a few different therapists because no one seemed to be able to help her with her depression, anxiety, and lack of energy. They didn’t recognize she was in an abusive relationship. Finally, she tried another therapist who after 15 minutes told her she was in an abusive relationship. The others couldn’t see it. Neither could she.

This is such a common story. This woman lived for years thinking something was wrong with her. She was being subtly manipulated and devalued at home without seeing it. Her body was reacting. She was slowly dying inside and couldn’t figure out why. Thank goodness for the therapist who understood covert narcissism and recognized the signs.

When the relationship ultimately ends in a breakup or divorce, victims have a difficult time understanding what just happened. When a relationship with a covert narcissist ends, it is sudden and painful. It can look like a “normal” divorce, but it is not even close.

Well-meaning friends and family often wonder why it is so hard for you to get past the partner, why you have no desire to date anyone, why it is taking you so long to recover and get back to the way you used to be. Breakups are a part of life, but this type of breakup is a whole other animal. The only people who can fully understand what you are going through are those who have gone through it themselves.

You might be wondering whether you are on the right track when you picked up this book. You may wonder if you are being overly dramatic and looking for someone to blame by thinking your ex or parent or coworker might be a narcissist. Here’s the thing: I am sure the narcissist in your life has given you the opposite message about yourself, but the truth is some of the smartest people I’ve met are people who have been in relationships with covert narcissists.

A helpful thing to notice while you are trying to find answers is the fact that men and women who are with healthy people don’t enter words into online search engines such as “toxic relationships”; “energy vampires”; “mean spouses”; “confusing relationships”; “hidden abuse”; “subtle abuse”; “manipulation”; “narcissism”; “covert narcissism”; “sociopaths.” The same is true for people who are going through a divorce or a breakup where they just realized they weren’t a good match, or they fell out of love, or they find themselves wanting other things. If you are searching for answers because you feel utterly confused, you are on the right track because you’re smart. If your body feels weak and flustered around someone, it knows something is not right.

Trust your gut, your intuition, how your body feels. There is nothing wrong with you. You know more than you probably give yourself credit for. You are a brilliant individual who has been beaten down, lied to, and manipulated, so you naturally have a lot of self-doubt. That is normal and completely understandable.

What you have been through is not a small thing. There are several types of narcissists. The covert type is one of the most destructive to your heart, psyche, and physical body because you are usually the only one who sees it. People who know the narcissist in your life probably think they are one of the nicest people they’ve ever met and often wish they could be as lucky as you to have a mom, husband, dad, wife, boyfriend, boss, or friend like you do.

They feel the same way you did, maybe for a long time, about the covert narcissist in your life. They have witnessed the same illusion, but have not yet identified the truth.

The more my own eyes began to open, the more overwhelming grief and anger I felt. With time, education, and support, this awakening turned into a growing strength and hope inside me. This will happen for you, too. Reading this book is going to be incredibly helpful for you as you begin to awaken to the truth of what you have been through. If you have lived with a covert narcissist, you have been held down for a long time. You have experienced the illusion of love, not the real thing. You have been lied to, manipulated, and controlled. You have not been heard or respected. You were devalued and brutally discarded by someone who said they cared about you, but in fact only cared about themselves. You have experienced an insanity-inducing relationship that is difficult to describe. Your self-confidence, your zest for life, your adventurous spirit, and the light inside you have slowly dimmed. There is a part of you that may not want to be here anymore, but is scared to say that out loud or to anyone else. I understand. I’ve been there. This is common among survivors.

Here is the good news: you have begun a journey that will bring you to the truth you are seeking, the truth of what you have been through, and the realization of how stunning and valuable you actually are. With time, you will have clarity and feel strength and freedom that may be hard to comprehend right now, but trust me, it’s possible. You will experience love (the real thing this time), and you will cherish every moment of it because of what you’ve been through. Your light will come back brighter than it’s ever been. You will be able to love people and help others in ways you couldn’t have

before. You will be free. Life will actually feel enjoyable, and you’ll be glad you’re here. I promise you this is all possible.

I spent years researching for my own understanding and healing and have put all the valuable information I learned into one book to make things easier for you. For this book, I decided to dive even deeper by reading more books, finding additional articles, watching more YouTube videos, and interviewing more than 100 people around the world who have experienced a covert narcissistic wife, husband, mother, father, sister, brother, boss, boyfriend, girlfriend, or friend. The interviews were fascinating. Even though our stories differed, and some of the relationship types differed, I felt as if I were looking into a mirror when each person told me their story over Skype or across the table at a restaurant. These brave people furthered my motivation to get all this information down in one place.

I also interviewed therapists and life coaches who specialize in this area. They were extraordinarily helpful, and I will share what I learned from them, as well.

At the end of the book, I include a list of helpful resources for you to further study if you’d like.

This can feel like a lonely road because often you are the only one who ever sees this side of the narcissist. To give you a sense of how not alone you are, here is one statistic:

The World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day website (www.wnaad.com) estimates “over 158 million people in the U.S. alone are abused by a person with either narcissistic personality disorder or antisocial personality disorder.”

The two have similar traits.

This is a massive problem that seems to be growing. One therapist I interviewed said she didn’t know what was happening, but every person who has walked through her door in the past couple years is dealing with narcissistic abuse. Her appointments are constantly booked.

You are definitely not alone.

Meeting the people I’ve interviewed has made me discover a world out there I didn’t know existed. When survivors find each other, there is an immediate connection, a feeling of safety, of understanding. We find ourselves enthusiastically nodding with relief when we hear each other’s stories.

My intention for this book is to provide you with a tremendous amount of information, including different things you can do to heal.

I will be using three different terms when referring to a person who has experienced covert narcissistic abuse and would like to explain my thoughts behind them.

If you have been the recipient of this behavior, you were a target and a victim, and you are a survivor. The word “victim” can elicit reactions in people because we are warned against having a “victim mentality.” The truth is you were a victim. This doesn’t mean that this needs to be a cloud

that follows you the rest of your life. You were a person who was harmed. That is the definition of a victim.

You were also a target, as hard as that is to believe and accept. Covert narcissists seek out certain types of people. They look for people who are kind, authentic, self-reflective, nurturing, loving, and caring people with a conscience. They look for energy supplies. Without these attributes, the narcissist has no use for you, as their manipulative tactics wouldn’t work.

You are also a survivor. You experienced subtle, manipulative abuse and you are still here. Many people come out of these relationships not wanting to be here anymore after years of being emotionally beaten down. So the fact that you are still here getting up every morning is something to be recognized and commended. You are a survivor. You are stronger than you know.

My hope is this book will bring you the clarity and understanding you want and need.

Welcome to the beginning of your freedom.

If this chapter resonates with you and you’d like to purchase the book, click here.

Here are some reviews:

“The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist belongs on every survivor’s bookshelf. Debbie Mirza’s book is a compassionate and healing resource for anyone seeking relief after narcissistic abuse. She clearly identifies subtle red flags that are often so difficult for survivors to pinpoint, while also encouraging the reader to look inward for solutions. Her warm and encouraging words are like receiving a written hug when you need it most.”

Jackson MacKenzie, author of Psychopath Free and Whole Again

“As a psychotherapist, this book has proven to be an outstanding, effective tool to help clients in these types of relationships be able to finally understand and clearly know what they are dealing with. The author does an excellent job of clearly identifying and providing a name to all the ‘’crazy-making” behaviors the covert passive-aggressive narcissist does in order to make my clients feel like they are never enough. It identifies those gaslighting behaviors, dissects and defines them one by one, in a clear, concise way with lots of real-life examples. Before I read this book, I didn’t have the words to describe a dysfunctional relationship of this sort. Now I do...and it has made a world of difference to my clients by not only improving their lives but also eliminating depression and anxiety symptoms which were a result of the covert passive aggressive narcissist’s behaviors.”

Pam Hauke, MSW, LCSW, SAC

 “The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist brings a massive sigh of relief to people who have been involved with, were raised by, or worked with someone who has made them feel crazy, exhausted, depressed, unworthy, guilty, terrified, and chronically anxious, while they charmed and amazed others. Debbie Mirza provides insight, answers, and healing to those who have wondered whether they have been abused by a narcissist but have not found themselves or their answers in the current literature on narcissist abuse. As a clinical psychologist for over 20 years, I find that The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist fills in the missing pieces in this field for clinicians and victims alike. Debbie clarifies this phenomenon/ personality disorder when I have struggled to explain it in my own life and in the stories of countless patients. You aren’t crazy: this book helps you identify and name the abuse—so you can be free to truly reclaim your life.”

Dr. Robin LW Alchin Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist, Dana Point, CA

“This is an insightful book for therapists working with complex trauma and/or Complex-PTSD. Clinicians can diagnose ‘textbook’ narcissism. However, covert passive-aggressive narcissism is difficult to identify and not widely recognized in the field of mental health therapy. Debbie shines a light on interpersonal relationships with a CPAN by naming experiences and behavioral patterns. As a clinical social worker, I love this book and use it as a basis of understanding clients who have experienced emotional and psychological abuse by someone they love. Thank you for having the wisdom to write this book and validate the invisible scars of survivors because this is where healing begins.”

Denise Malm, LSWAIC, GMHS

“Passive-aggression. Narcissism. These terms are bandied about in 21st-century America, often without a clear definition, and without understanding how to respond effectively once they are recognized.

Enter Debbie Mirza, and her brilliant, immensely helpful book, The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist. She realized that passive-aggression and narcissism coexist, that these behaviors are epidemic in our culture and that millions of people are guilty of them. She realized it because she herself was once the target of a covert passive-aggressive narcissist (CN). After finding her way out, she used her experience to write her book, and, in so doing, she is helping other targets to escape from their base relationships.

Chapter 3 uniquely describes those who are likely to be victimized by CNs: empathic, compassionate, nurturing, trusting, dependable, flexible—all the positive traits of beautiful human beings. Their task is to realize their sense of self-worth in order to extricate themselves from the grip of the CN and to find peace. Debbie’s book offers multiple strategies for doing so, including a checklist of Traits of Real Love, so that the survivor recognizes it when it is found.

Clients to whom I have recommended this book have found all or parts of it immediately applicable to their situation. It is a book to be read and re-read by clients and therapists alike, as it is an important contribution to self-help literature.”

Dr. Judy M. Sobczak, Ph.D., Licensed Psychologist, private practice, Novi, MI